I've Come So Far

So...first of all, I have no idea why the writing on this blog is underlined...I can't figure out how to get it changed...anyway....here's this week's post...

When I think back to last year, this weekend (meaning the weekend before March 22nd) was the most difficult weekend of my life. It was the weekend before I went back to work after my maternity leave. For all of you mothers who have gone through this, you know exactly what I mean - there is no other feeling like it....because of the tremendous amount of emotional stress it put on me, I was unable to blog about it much at all last year....I couldn't talk about it or write about it without literally coming close to a nervous breakdown. Matter of fact, there was a day about a week before I went back to work that I just about did breakdown. I thought I couldn't handle it and thought I was losing my mind. With my super supportive husband and my always faithful mom, I was able to get through it - but it wasn't easy. For journaling purposes, I can now digest what I was feeling then and can be so proud of myself for how far I've come.

Last year this time, these questions/concerns/thoughts were going through my mind...

No one else can take care of Luke like me...

I will miss every important milestone in his life - crawling, talking, walking, etc....

Luke and I will lose our bond that is so strong at this age of 3 months...

Will I have the energy to work a full time job and then come home to be an energetic mommy and wife?

Will I be able to focus on my job while I'm there or will I miss Luke so much that I will ache to see him?

Last March 19, 20, 21st....these were unanswered questions in my mind and, at the time, no one could tell me the answers to these questions or no one could convince me that it would be okay....it was awful...truly awful....I'm a strong person, very strong person, I've been through a lot in my life and March 22nd just about did me in....

On Monday, March 22nd, my mom babysat Luke all day....I couldn't have imagined anyone else hugging my neck as I cried my way out the door or anyone else holding my precious baby as I pulled out of the driveway. Mom arrived at my house about 30 minutes before I left so we would have time to talk about what I wanted Luke's day to be like....I left her TYPED instructions....yes, that's how crazy I was....my mom, who had already raised two kids of her own, I thought needed typed instructions. Being the supportive mom that she is, she didn't make me feel crazy, she just reviewed the instructions with me, hugged my neck, and then with lots of love, kicked me out the door. I cried all the way to Welcome....then, put my strong face on for the staff there....I stayed busy, busy, busy and didn't call home until almost lunch time.

I remember missing Luke so very much that my heart ached....I had to pump three times a day and each time that I pumped I cried the entire time....it was awful....just awful...I wanted to run out of the door, climb in my car, and hold him....oh...I wanted so bad to hold him.....

At the end of that first day, I felt like I had climbed a mountain....I was mentally and physically exhausted and couldn't wait to see my little man. When I arrived home, he was perfect as usual - very well taken care of and happy to see me. I don't think I've ever hugged him so tight and that's saying a lot thinking about how much I hug him. I was so glad to have him in my arms again. For the next two weeks, I cried everyday when leaving for work...I began to cry less and less while at work...and, eventually, cried less on the way to work with some occasional Monday breakdowns. Luke stayed with my mom three days a week and a sweet lady named Tammy the other two days a week. Knowing my baby boy was in good hands was a slight relief. Before I knew it, it was summer time and I had survived the last 3 months of school. I SO MUCH enjoyed my summer with Luke - you all know because you have read my blog. :)

Then, in August when I had to face going back to work again, I did so much better than that day in March. Now, as I get up and get ready each morning and I leave Luke here with my mother in law, I'm able to do that with a sound mind and a peaceful heart and can honestly say that I'm a stronger and better mom because of the strength I had to muster up to go back to work this time last year. It was hard, it was painful, but it was all okay...

These days....I KNOW....first of all, that, no, no one will take care of my Luke just like I do, but his mammaw Carolyn comes in a close second. She is a God sent and a blessing to our family. She and Luke have a blast during the day - he is learning so much from her - she is one of the reasons why he is so smart and understands language so well...and she is definitely one of the reasons why he is such a loving child - Carolyn is one of the most compassionate people I know and she is instilling this trait in my child. She sings him Christian songs and tells him about Jesus - I'm so appreciative of her. Not to mention, she does my laundry, sweeps, starts the crock pot, and cleans the dishes.

These days....I KNOW....that I am not missing milestones in his life....he crawled for the first time on a weekend. He walked for the first time one night after work....I missed seeing it because I turned my head, but I saw the next few steps after Landis got my attention. I hear the new words that he says....I saw his teeth come through....I still get a lot of quality time with him to see all the wonderful things he is learning....I am home by 4:15 each day and don't leave until 7:15 each morning. and, on top of that, I get to look forward to snow days, holidays, and SUMMER VACATION.

These days....I KNOW....that Luke and I will not lose our special mommy/son bond...matter of fact..it's stronger than ever...when I get home from work, he runs into my arms with the biggest smile on my face that makes leaving and coming back worth it...

These days....I KNOW....that with my extra income, I can provide Luke with all that he needs and many things that he wants...one day we will be able to take trips to Disney World, the beach, museums, parks....anywhere he wants to go because we can afford it. One day when he wants to play AAU travel ball, we will be able to afford to go watch him and to buy all the equipment that he needs.....one day, when he starts kindergarten, he will be able to go to school with me and I will be able to attend all of his school events and know exactly what is happening in his classroom everyday. He will always have his mom looking over him at school (whether he realizes it or not.)

Basically, it comes down to this....with me being a 10 month employee in the school system where I will get to enjoy summers and vacations with him for a long time and when he's not with me, he's with his mammaw who loves him so much....I couldn't be more blessed....if there is a way to be a working mommy and have it made, I have it made and you better believe, I thank God for this set up He has provided me each day....it's great!

I should say, yes, there are days when I wish I had more energy when I get home to Luke because there are days at work that wear me down. But, God always comes through and gives me that energy that I need and I lay my head down at night KNOWING that my son has all he needs - emotionally, spiritually, and physically from his mom, his dad, and his mammaw.

We are blessed - truly blessed! A year ago, I was blinded by my selfishness and couldn't see these blessings - I'm so proud of how far I've come..... :)

I've included this week's pictures below....please enjoy a piece of my little blessing.... thanks for reading....

Last Saturday I took Luke to the Natural Science Center in Greensboro. As always, he loved it...we had a blast! He loved the indoor Kid Alley with the grocery store and house area to play in and the big ship to climb and he loved the outdoor petting zoo and animals to look at...check out the pics...(the underlining stopped...that's nice)


















Here are a few more pics of Luke in his adorable overalls.....
This was Luke and I rolling around and playing on the bed one day...


Loving the closet again...

Finally, the long awaited video of Luke driving his Thomas train....he still can't steer and if he's going up hill, he has to have a push....so, this is a short clip of him outside to give our walls and doors a much needed bang up break....

Enjoy this gorgeous weekend! Luke and I have already been playing with the sidewalk chalk....pics and video of that coming next week (or possibly mid-week)...see you soon!

Toddy