Thinking back...

Those pictures you just saw were actually taken at the end of June....Luke looked so much younger than 18 months old, didn't he??? I guess it was the sweet baby faces he was making or maybe it was the diaper only look - whatever it was - those pictures sure did make me think of Luke as a baby.....these pictures along with the arrival of precious baby Sutton Claire Parker - who arrived last Saturday to her proud parents, Megan (my college roommate) and Eric, made me think back to Luke's baby days....I don't consider Luke a baby anymore, I think I would call him a toddler - he talks all the time, walks, runs, and climbs, and shows emotions quite well - I think those things graduate him to the "toddler" stage. :)

There are days that I miss Luke as a baby but then most of the time I think this age is better - at this age, he can tell me what he wants, he can show me that he loves me with hugs and kisses and he says and does the cutest things that even when I miss holding that tiny 7 pounder, he reminds me quickly that he is sweet enough right now. :)

Thinking of the baby stage does remind me of my wonderful 16 month, 24 day journey of nursing Luke. I never blogged much about that journey so I thought this would be a good time.

My friend, Megan (Sutton's mommy), in her first few days of motherhood described nursing as "magical" - I like this description but would add one word to it and say that being a nursing mommy is a "magical blessing". I add that word because there are many mothers out there that would have adored the chance to nurse their babies but, for some reason, they could not. This just makes me even more thankful that I was blessed with the opportunity to provide the nourishment and bonding experience of nursing to my precious Luke.

Every nursing mom has a different journey....here's a little bit about mine...

You know nursing isn't easy - for a few weeks, there is some physical pain involved as well as the fact that you live in a total state of exhaustion. The fact that no one else can provide each feeding (including the 2:00 and 5:00am feedings) is tiring and demanding.

But, without a doubt, the positives outweigh these trying times. I vividly remember those precious quiet times that Luke and I had - the moments where he would look up at me with such admiration and love....when things got busy and he was passed around from person to person, I cherished knowing that at least every 3 hours, I would get my time with him and we would be able to go to a quiet place and have our time together. These feeding times became our time to connect and bond - this was when I would talk to him about how much I loved him and tell him about all of the blessings that he had to look forward to. This mommy and Luke time is when I was able to enjoy all his baby sounds - grunting, cooing, squeaking. This is the time when I got to see him smile for the first time. I always loved how he felt in my arms - I just couldn't get enough of cuddling and kissing his tiny little body.

When he was 3 months old and I returned to work, nursing had its challenges but also many benefits. It was difficult to pump 3 times a day, but at the same time, when I pumped, I felt close to Luke for those few minutes - I would look at pictures of him and think about grabbing him in my arms when I got home. It made getting through the work day just a little easier.

Then, when the time came to run home and grab him - that's what I did and usually fed him pretty soon after coming home. Once again, this was the time that we reconnected after many hours of being apart. Even if I had a hard day at work, holding and nursing baby Luke made everything else in the world go away. No more stressing about work when I was at home - Luke was the only thing on my mind.

The older Luke got, the more clearer it became how much he enjoyed our bonding time. From about 6 months to 12 months, he would get very upset if I wasn't at home to nurse him at bed time or nap times. (So, obviously, I didn't leave home much during these times.) Luke would let me know in a very clear way when he was ready to nurse (he would pull on my shirt). Matter of fact, I think I would say that the shirt pulling was probably his first true signs of communicating exactly what he wanted. Luke held on to the shirt pulling trick for a long time - right up to the end....

Speaking of "the end", because nursing was so special to me and to Luke, I dreaded the one year mark because I knew the time had come to back off of some of the feedings. At Luke's one year check-up, I was pleased to hear the pediatrician say to take it slow and that time would tell when we were ready. Well, amazingly, that's what happened.....Luke quickly got to the point that he was so "busy" during the day that he didn't want to nurse. He even dropped his AM feeding fairly quick. The only feedings that he didn't want to drop were sleep time feedings (nap time and bed time). So, by Spring Break (mid-April ), I had stopped all morning and daytime feedings but had continued with nap and bed time feedings.

As Luke got older and began saying words and pointing and expressing his thoughts more clearly, I became more and more uncomfortable with nursing. It's hard to explain how it happened but, the sweet, quiet feeding times began to feel out of place. Luke was able to hug me, kiss me, laugh with me, say a few words, and show me that he was listening to me so the quiet bonding time was no longer needed because we had other ways of bonding, and, of course, Luke no longer needed nourishment in this way - he was eating tons of table food and drinking real milk. So, with this in mind, I dropped his nap time feedings after Spring Break and then, on May 15th, I nursed Luke before bed time and on May 16th decided that I wasn't going to nurse anymore - I didn't that night and haven't since.

I didn't think to myself on May 15th, "This is the last feeding." Sometimes I wish I would have- because maybe I would have savored the May 15th bed time nursing time more. Or, maybe because I let go all of a sudden, I didn't have to "dread" the last night or try to talk myself out of it. I knew that Luke would never completely give up nursing on his own - I had to make the decision and May 15th, I did.

After that last night, Luke pulled on my shirt for about a week. He only got completely angry to the point of tears for two nights. And, even then, he was calmed fairly quickly with his cup of milk, paci, and a book.

Now that Luke is 19 months old and talking in sentences, I am so thankful that I stopped nursing when I did. Yes, there are times that I miss that special bonding time but then I think of moments like my last post when Luke verbalized, "My Mommy" and gave me a huge hug and I remember that our connection now is much stronger than it was then and it gets stronger everyday. Now, I'm not the only one initiating the affection, Luke shows me he loves me too. :)

I will conclude my journey with this - to anyone out there reading this blog who has the opportunity to nurse your child - please try it - it is a "magical blessing" and worth every ounce of pain, inconvenience, and hours of lost sleep. It provides mommy and baby time that you will never get back - enjoy every moment! :)

As always, thank you for reading,

Toddy