In this life, one of the greatest challenges we face is how
to handle conflict with others around us. Many times, conflict between two
people, even “Christian” people, results in gossip, avoidance, and/or
judgment. We want to “win” the
disagreement by proving we are “right.”
Over the last few months, I have been a part of an
unsettling conflict with someone that is close to me daily. The conflict made things around me stressful,
negative, and was, quite frankly, stealing my joy.
To protect this person but to help share my testimony, I am
going to give this person the name “Dottie.”
When I saw the conflict starting
to happen, my first reaction was to confront Dottie because I believe honesty
is best. My mom always told me, “Don’t
say things behind someone’s back that you wouldn’t say to their face.” So, I expressed my concerns and worries to
Dottie about the direction in which our relationship and other relationships
around us were headed. At first, things
seemed to be better but then quickly turned for the worse. I began to sense resentment towards me in
Dottie’s heart and situations around me became even more challenging.
At that point, I got frustrated and reacted according to the
flesh. I resorted to all the negative
things I mentioned earlier – gossip, avoidance, and judgment. In my heart by the Spirit, I knew this was
not the way that I should be handling the situation. I knew that God had bigger
and better plans in this situation so I prayed for His help. For about a month, I did well with my words. I did not speak negatively about Dottie, I
just went on with my daily business and poured my heart and positive energy
into others around me. In every situation happening around me where the paths
of Dottie and I crossed, I was whole heartedly doing what was right, with never
one minute of malice or evil intent in my heart. I was beginning to see some hope in the
situation and my heart was softening and then SMACK….the enemy struck!!
Out of the blue, Dottie decides to share some things with me
privately. She shares with me that she thinks that I have been scheming and
purposely acting in a way that would hurt or damage her and she gave very
specific examples. Examples in which I
knew I had pure intentions but, from her viewpoint, they were malicious. As the
conversation continued, I saw two pathways before me…..I could react in anger
and hurt or I could react with love and understanding. I continued to listen to Dottie while also
allowing the Holy Spirit to give me words to speak. As I sought the Holy Spirit, I felt a jello
like peace come over my body. This is
one of the greatest gifts the Holy Spirit pours out – Heavenly peace. There
have been several situations in my life in which I suddenly was melted by the
peace of God through the Holy Spirit and this was one of them. God was right on
time and He expected me to cooperate, so I did….
Out of my mouth didn’t come anger but instead words of
understanding. I told Dottie what the intentions of my heart were in all
situations between us and shared with her that I wanted a mended relationship
between us. We were able to conclude the
conversation in a positive way.
But, then, the flesh rose up in me….as time passed, I began
to second guess my response to her and ask myself if I “gave in” too easily. I played the scenario in my mind and began to
think….”You’ve been misjudged, you need to tell someone what Dottie has said to
you.” So….I did what I knew to do….I began to pray. I asked God to tell me exactly what to do in
this situation….to give me His Words, give me a vision, or speak through
another person. And, He responded
quickly….
That evening, as I went in and out of sleep, I saw a vision…..I
saw hands digging a hole, the hands put something in the hole, and then the
hands covered the hole back up. By the
Spirit, I knew what God was telling me.
I knew that He was telling me to take all that happened between Dottie
and I and bury it – bury the words, bury the hurt, bury every negative
situation that had taken place. God was showing me that if I did this, that if
I obeyed His directions, then He would bring forth something beautiful out of
that dirt. God was promising me that,
not only would He take care of me, but that He would use me and this situation
to bring forth good things for the Kingdom of God.
This vision was exactly what I needed to move forward and
that is exactly what I did. It’s now been over a week since the hurtful
comments were spoken to me. Dottie and I have experienced nothing but positive
interactions. She seems happier and at peace and I have my joy back. And…in the
meantime, God has used this past week to reveal Truth to me about His desire
for conflicts that we face with others and I believe He desires that I share
this Truth with others….
As I stated from the start, when in conflict, the fleshly,
human nature side of us believes that there should be a “winner” in every
situation. We often believe that one person in the conflict is right and the
other one is wrong, and, most of the time, we believe we are the one that is
right SO, if we give in, we feel like we have surrendered to a “wrong” and,
therefore, we have “lost.”
This belief is at the core of what keeps people from
resolving conflict. This belief keeps
families apart, friends estranged, and working environments tense. I challenge you to change your thinking on
conflict….don’t think about a “winner” or a “loser” or a “right” or “wrong” –
think about this….
John 3:16 – “For God so loved the world, that He gave His
only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have
eternal life.”
Did that verse say for God so loved the one that was “right”???
No, that scripture reminds us that God loves everyone and He desires that all
come to know Him. So, within
disagreements and conflicts, God’s Heart is to see both parties restored,
healed, and set free from ill feelings.
God desires a victory for all!
Sometimes we convince ourselves that we “deserve” a certain
outcome from conflict because we go to church and the other person doesn’t or
we pray and read our Bible and the other person doesn’t. Well, I’m here to tell you – I’ve learned
from experience – if you truly do those things - go to church, read your Bible,
pray, AND seek the guidance of the Spirit, Jesus will not tell you to judge, He
will tell you to love.
Proverbs 3:3 says this, “Let not mercy and truth forsake
thee: bind them about thy neck; write them upon the tablet of your heart.”
Mercy is defined as compassion or forgiveness shown toward
someone whom it is within one’s power to punish or harm. In every conflict we face, we can cause harm
to others by insisting that we are right or we can follow Jesus’ example – just
as He has forgiven us, we can forgive those around us.
Jesus is the most awesome example of unselfishness that we
will ever see! Jesus was a man but also the Son of God that allowed Himself to
be mocked, beaten, and hung on a cross until death. Why? - for you, for me, and
for that other person you have a conflict with.
There was not one ounce of selfishness within Jesus!
God has shown me this week that when I stay frustrated,
angry, and in a state of negativity toward another person that I am actually
being selfish. I am thinking about all of
the ways that I am effected and hurt and that is not how Jesus sees the
situation.
Jesus sees the heart of the other person. He desires to heal
his/her emotional wounds, as well as mine. Often times people hurt other people
in relationships because they have been hurt. They may be holding resentment
and hard feelings from past situations that has given them a hard heart and out
of that hard heart, come the words and actions that have hurt you. Well, who is going to stop this cycle for
people??? If we are hurt by those hurt people and then we retaliate or refuse
to love them, what are we doing to that person? We are adding another layer of
resentment and hurt to their hearts.
That is not what Jesus did.
I think the story of Zacchaeus is a great example of this. Many of you heard this story as a child. I
encourage you to go back and read it as an adult. It can be found in Luke
10:1-10. Zacchaeus is out of alignment
of God’s Will and is conning people out of money on their taxes. However,
Zacchaeus still desires to see Jesus so much so that he climbs a tree to see
Him. Jesus, knowing all things, knows
who Zacchaeus is and what he has done. However, Jesus looks in the tree and
asks Zacchaeus if He can come to his house. Those around watching were shocked
that Jesus would want to spend time in the home of such a “sinner.” Jesus and
Zacchaeus spend time together at Zacchaeus’ home. We have no idea what they
talked about or the specifics of what happened, but the Bible tells us that
Zacchaeus changed his ways and returned the money that he had stolen. Zacchaeus’
time with Jesus changed him forever.
In every conflict we face, we have this opportunity – to invite
others to spend time with Jesus through us and we will never get this
opportunity if we block ourselves off from someone because we are “right.”
Dottie had hurt me, but I realized this week that she is hurting too and it is
not my place to judge and scorn but only to show steadfast love and mercy.
Through this mercy will come a renewed relationship and through the renewed relationship
will come an opportunity for Dottie to see Jesus through me. Then, just like with Zacchaeus, Jesus will
have the opportunity to heal her.
And…in the meantime, my heart is healed as well.
The way we handle relationships with others – both the easy ones
and the hard ones – is an example of Jesus to others. It is one way to disciple
other believers around you and to capture the attention of non-believers around
you. We are always leading others to something
or someone by our actions and words – we have to decide, will it be Jesus?
When anger and frustration is in our hearts, our words and
actions reflect that. When we are at peace with all those around us, joy
overflows from our mouths and into our actions. This morning, I pray, worship,
and type with a heart of JOY! I have released my hurt and frustrations to Jesus
and now I can rest in His peace and love! That’s how we were designed to live!
Remember – it’s not about you, it’s not about me, it’s about
LOVE – it’s not about who is “right” or who is “wrong,” it’s about MERCY – it’s
not about who “won” or who “lost”, it’s about VICTORY for all! “For the Son of
Man came to seek and to save the lost.” (Luke 19:10)
Natasha
