A Mother's Worries

Before I begin journaling some motherly thoughts, let me give you a quick update on Landis' dad - it's great news! Donnie was released from the hospital last Tuesday and is doing super! He walked almost 3 miles today. He looks better than he has in a long time because his body is now working with full circulation. We are very thankful for his beautiful recovery.

Now...into the mommy world...

I know that all of you mommies out there will be able to relate to this blog (or at least parts of it)...Do any of you have days where you feel like you were the worse mother in the world? Well, I do...here lately, it seems that I am questioning everything I'm doing. The older Luke gets, the more I find myself worrying. I know this is normal, but it's very frustrating, and, it drains me of my energy. With Luke being in to everything, we have had to start using, "No!" pretty forcefully - lately, the effectiveness of that word is hit or miss - sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. He will often look at us and then go right back to the no playing zone. I've tried distracting him with other toys and this doesn't work either - he knows exactly where to go to find things that "are not his." Already having to think about how to discipline and correct is worrisome.

Then, there's the worrying about keeping him physically safe. He is now opening cabinets, drawers, and attempting to climb up onto things. We have to watch him every single second. He has smashed his fingers in a few drawers in the last few days. He will cry for a few seconds and then try to open the drawer again. He is a tough little man and very determined. Determination can be good if used in the right ways, so I already worry about fostering this determination in a positive way while still protecting him.

Yesterday, Landis and I took him for a walk in the BOB stroller. Because we were just walking, I didn't put the safety strap around my wrist like I normally do. Then, at the last minute, we decided to run for a little while. I forgot to put the safety strap on my wrist and the strap came loose, I stepped on it, and jerked the stroller to a sudden stop. When I did this, Luke hit his forehead on a metal piece on the stroller. He had three small bruises on his head right away and he cried for quite a few minutes. We kept our eye on him all night to make sure he wasn't showing signs of a concussion and he didn't, when we got home, he played as he normally does, ate his dinner, and slept on his normal schedule. I, on the other hand, cried off and on for hours and woke up this morning and cried when I saw his bruises again (which actually look better than they did last night). I felt so bad - something I did caused my precious Luke to get hurt. It's a mistake that I will never forget.

"A mistake I will never forget" - ummm??? This statement made me think - how many other mistakes will I make as a mother that I will never forget? Who knows? I, of course, will do my very best to minimize my mistakes, but, I know that this is difficult. Raising a child is trial and error and many days I feel like I make more errors - let me just quickly name one more - Luke fights going to sleep at night - he throws his head back, whines, spits his paci out, whines some more - matter of fact, he usually has worked up a sweat before he falls asleep. There are many nights that I blame myself - did I keep him up too late? Is he not tired enough? Should I go play with him more or should I let him cry? I've made a few changes in his bedtime routine and the last few nights have been a little better, so I see some light at the end of this dark tunnel. I just want bed time to be relaxing for both of us. It should be a special time - not a stressful one.

One more worry that gets to me - there are days when I go into work that I feel like I am neglecting my child. I ask myself, "Am I leaving my little boy for someone else to raise?" I know that this is logically not what is happening - I am home by 4:15 everyday, I will have two months off with him in the summer - we get a two week vacation at Christmas, one week vacation at Easter, and I get to spend snow days with him AND on top of that - his mammaw is taking care of him in his own home, so besides being a stay at home mom, I've got it made...it's just some days I feel guilty for leaving him. And, some days, I just miss him terribly while I'm working - I look at my clock in my office and wonder what he is doing and ache to hold him. Some days are just harder than others.

I know, I know...I'm kind of all over the place with this blog...there's just been a lot on my mommy mind lately that I needed to get off my chest. Just writing this blog makes me feel a little guilty because I worry that it seems that I am complaining about being a mother...that's not what I'm doing at all...I love my son more than words could ever describe and that's why I worry...you moms out there know exactly what I mean....moms have a lot on their minds at all times.

I've prayed about my worries and have asked God to help me trust Him more so that I don't worry, but instead savor every moment with this gift He has entrusted me with. Tonight, I dedicate my prayer time to all the moms in the world who feel like me - we just can't do this difficult job on our own. During your prayer time, please do the same for me. :)

Thanks for taking the time to read...enjoy the pictures of sweet baby Luke...

On a lighter note: Luke was dedicated on Sunday by his Uncle Pete. :) It was a very nice ceremony. I hope to post more as soon as my family sends me some pictures that they took. We used our camera to take video and didn't take still pics - we depended on our family for that - hey, family, :) email me some pics please! :)

Have a good rest of your week...Toddy.