Compassion

I just returned home from Luke's appointment with Dr. Bhatti, the allergist. Luke fell asleep on the way home and quite frankly, I'm exhausted - mentally and physically. The appointment was productive - I gained a lot - I gained COMPASSION for mothers everywhere and I gained information. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around the information that I gained, and, again, quite honestly, I'm still trying to find the words to describe what I'm thinking about the information.  So, with that being said, let me talk about the compassion that I gained today.

As I sat in front of Luke's sweet face, holding his arms as the nurses scratched his back about 40 times and watched the tears rolling down his face as he cried, "Mommy, it hurts.  Make it stop" - a lot of thoughts went through my head.  One being - am I doing the right thing by having him tested?  Can I take Luke's place?  Telling myself in my mind - don't cry, don't cry, be strong - and telling Luke, "It's alright, baby. Mommy and Daddy are right here."  I was thinking all of this while also gaining compassion for mothers and fathers all over the world that are sitting in a hospital beside a sick or hurting child and compassion for parents who have watched their children go through a surgery or procedure. As I held back tears for the 2 minutes that the testing scratching part took, I knew that this irritation that Luke was experiencing would be over and he would walk out of that room healthy and happy - that thought gave me compassion for parents watching their child hurt or experience pain that may go on for days or weeks or months. Let me just say - I don't think I would be strong enough to do it so today, right now and in many future prayers, I will pray for those hurting children and parents in hospitals and homes around the world.  The Bible tells us that Jesus loves children and I know that He does so my hope for these families is peace.

Speaking of peace....my next prayer is for me to have peace and understanding with the results that we were given.  After about 2 minutes of the "scratch testing" (no needles - it was scratches like a toothpick), Luke had to lay on his belly without touching his back for about 8 minutes and then sit up in my arms without touching his back for about 7 more minutes.  After the initial scratching, Luke calmed down but would cry again when the itching on his back started because he couldn't touch it. Once again, he would say, "Mommy, make it stop."  I wanted to make it stop more than anything in the world but I couldn't.  After the full 15 minutes, the doctor came in and read the results and informed us of the news that I have been dreading and praying about. I will be honest - I prayed for healing and news that there were no nut allergies. My prayer wasn't answered this time and that is where my heart is struggling - I asked myself all the way home - Why?  I had faith that we would receive news that Luke is allergy free. Well, I don't know why and I will never know why but we didn't receive that good news - Luke had a very conclusive reaction to walnuts, pecans, and hazelnut.  And, not to my surprise, he is also allergic to tree pollen and one kind of grass pollen.  From now on, Luke's eating life will change.  Every package will have to be read - eating baked goods from other homes will not be possible. He will go to school with an epi-pen and a medical plan. I will carry an epi-pen with me at all times.  We don't know how severe Luke's reaction to these nuts will be - there is no way to tell that until the contact with the nut occurs.  So, Benadryl may work, but, just in case, an epi-pen has to be with Luke at all times.

For years, as an educator, I have sat in medical plan meetings. I have carried epi-pens on field trips and reminded teachers of the allergic reaction procedures.  I have always felt bad for these students but now, I know, truly know how those parents and students feel.  It's just one more thing to worry about when your child is away from you and one more thing I am going to have to put trust in the preschool and school system about.  Right now, I don't have peace with this news - I'm leaning toward the angry side and extremely frustrated.  My mind and human emotions are experiencing negative feelings but somewhere deep in my heart, the Lord is telling me, "And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them." (Romans 8:28)

So, now, I wait on the good - is the good the fact that I can be an advocate for children who have allergies?  Is the good the fact that Luke can be an advocate for children who have allergies?  Is the good the fact that God led us to an allergist whose own son has peanut and tree nut allergies?  (Dr. Bhatti and her whole staff were awesome! They treated Luke like a king and, even after all that he went through, he left the place with a smile on his face telling them that he was going home to mow. They enjoyed his company so much.)  Is the good coming when Luke is healed of these allergies one day and he can be an example to everyone that healing is still possible?

I'm going to have faith in the GOOD that will come because that is what God promised me and God doesn't lie.  I'm going to pray for peace and understanding for me and protection over Luke.  The Devil hasn't won - the battle has just begun.  This is not a terminal illness - I still have a healthy, strong, vibrant, full of life little boy that, yes, will have to make some adjustments in his life, but will still be able to do all the major things little boys can do - read, jump, climb, play, sing, run - you name it, he can do it - he just can't eat tree nuts!  :)  When you look at it like that, it's not going to be so bad.  See....just typing this blog and taking the time to sit down and digest everything has already helped me.

I must say this before I close - just because we didn't receive the results that we wanted to receive, don't think I am giving up on God - that's not the case. There may be people out there who say, "See - she thought that God would take away those allergies from Luke and He didn't. Where is her God?"  To those people, God's got a plan - I don't know the details and I don't need to know them right now.  I know this - God loves that little boy lying in his bed and he will be a light in his world - with or without allergies!

Thanks to everyone for your prayers and for reading!

I'm working on the beach blog to be posted soon!

Love,
Toddy